Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 3:56 P.M.

Years ago I worked at a media outlet with co-workers who, on paper, I had little in common with. I was married with children, most of my co-workers were not. Most of my co-workers had attended college, I had not. I did not then (nor do I now) care for art films, all of my co-workers loved them. Nor subtitles, wonderful co-workers dug �em. I had lived in the same place my entire live, wonderful co-workers had, for the most party, traveled extensively. There was one thing my co-workers and I wholeheartedly agreed on however, we were in the presence of evil daily. And, in this case, evil begat evil. I challenge anyone to work at Media Outlet A for awhile and remain true to your otherwise easy-going, trustful open ways.

When I began working at Media Outlet A, I was idealistic to say the least. The majority of my co-workers had been at Media Outlet A for a while and therefore had already had the idealism barked, bellowed and blared out of them. They tried to tell me, tried to stem the tide of my idealism, but it didn�t take. So, I carried on with wanton uses of creativity, ingenuity and resourcefulness. It didn�t take. You see, the Devil neither wanted to change into an organizational angel, nor submit to any system which may have helped to locate errant items. He did not care for the ridiculousness of duplicate phone messages, thank you very much. Devil was not wont to do anything that would have made our lives anything less than the seventh layer of hell he preferred them it be. There were theories as to why the Devil preferred this hellish existence. (Of course, he was the Devil. Duh.)

Let�s begin with Theory A. Highly unhappy, Devil preferred you to be the same, although he would state to anyone who would listen that he wanted to do anything he could to keep his people happy. He was full of shit. I believe Devil�s theory was that if you were happy and well adjusted you would surely see that everyday you were walking into a cave with a giant, gaping, fiery-pit mouth, instead of the 5-story brick building with the rotting wood door it purported to be. Surely you would notice the daily screaming and temper tantrums. You must be aware of the digs and disrespect. You simply had to be clued into the questionable morals and ethics. You clearly could not miss the �accidental� walk-ins to the women�s restroom or the computer porn. You think I�m making this up? I couldn�t make this up. So, Devil would continue to berate and belittle all in his presence (patrons of Media Outlet A were decidedly not immune), until one submitted to the same unhappiness that ruled his life. Unhappiness that was, of course, Devil�s own doing. Depression. Of the Anxiety variety. Possible Bi-Polar-ism. Oh, how we wish he would have looked into those afflictions.

Theory B. A blowhard of immense proportions, he would whistle while he shit just to hear the sound of his own voice. Speaking of shitting? When Devil went to the bathroom? Left. The. Door. Open. Ya�ll. That is just sick. Also? Re-read Theory B. Read it! Again! Ew.

Theory C. Devil was egotistical. So egotistical that he believed no matter how much he demeaned or debased you, you would still come back for, in fact request with sugar on top, some more. And thank him profusely for it afterward. He just genuinely seemed to be under the impression that he was better than everyone else. That his shit did not stink. Everyone on the 5th floor of a certain downtown building could testify for the prosecution on that point. Also? See Theory B. Isn�t that enough? Come ON!

Theory D. Miriam Webster had the forethought to create the word �clueless� specifically for Devil. (Thanks Mir!) No clue. Needed a quarter to buy a clue. Would have done well to hijack Wells-Fargo truck to buy the size clue he needed, and even then would have to tap Coca-Cola for some cash. You know what the definition of clueless is? Accusing others of cluelessness. It is! Look it up! Devil had no concept that he was offensive, overbearing and generally full of bunk. He believed himself to be foremost authority on all matters and would gladly impart this (always uninvited) information to you. On all matters. Even those regarding say, unsharpened scissors and their effect (if any) on the ozone layer, he believed himself to be inarguably informed. Also? SEE. THEORY. B.

Is it a coincidence that the word Devil also contains the word evil? I think not.

Do you have your own Devil story?

I�d love to hear it.

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
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I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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