Stand Still!

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 1:20 P.M.

Dear Selected Office Mates (and I hope you know who you are. Perhaps not and I should revise this greeting to read, Dear Selected Incredibly Dense Office Mates: Yes. Better.):

I don�t care. Let me repeat, I REALLY don�t care.

I�m shuffling papers about my desk, not looking you in the eye, looking extremely frantic, exuding a sense of urgency-which as everyone knows is the key to looking busy-and here you come to tell me how your aunt�s dog ate said aunt�s pet goldfish and now your five year old cousin is upset because she thinks Spot ate Nemo. And isn�t that funny? No. PETA people get your fingers off the home keys. I don�t hate animals. Just (some) people.

Ya�ll we are not friends. Do not mistake my pleasantries about the office for friendship. I don�t care for you. I get along with you because I have to, not because I want to. Have you not noted my passive aggressiveness? Perhaps I need to be more aggressive with my passiveness. Or, something. Whatev. The point is I want to sit in my office, read online diaries, eat some chips, drink a Diet Cherry Coke, then go create a new entry of my own. Which, I can do most of the time as the boss doesn�t really come into my office much. You, on the other hand might as well stow some snacks, extra pantyhose and your favorite movie in my desk drawer, as you are frequently here for the long haul.

I�ll make it easy for you. Herewith, a list of topics that are off limits for us to discuss:

--You.

--Your family.

--Your pets.

--Your family�s pets.

--Your pet�s families.

--Pretty much everything to do with you.

Conversely, a list of topics that are acceptable:

--Work. But make it snappy.

--Me.

See? Easy.

Now that you know the rules, I don�t expect I�ll have to give you the stink eye to make you go away.