Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 5:46 P.M.

Some time ago myself and a friend took a trip to Metropolis, Illinois for a 9:00 p.m. casino cruise. I have been scarred by the experience and the law told us we couldn�t tell the whole story but�

Let me give you a quick timeline/synopsis of our (mis)adventure--at least the parts I can tell:

7:00 p.m. -- purchase shuttle tickets from Sammy Davis, Jr. look-a-like. No. Not a joke.

8:00 p.m. -- arrive at shuttle bay for 8:30 p.m. departure time. ALWAYS on time baby!

8:25 p.m. -- assembled are divided into what appears to be two groups. Sober and drunk. Wouldn�t you know it! There are too may sobers! Damn, non-drinkers. My friend and I get put on the Beulah Express.

8:26 p.m. -- shuttle driver introduces self. He is, we will discover, the very definition of inept. I will protect him by calling him Shit For Brains, SFB as snazzy short.

8:26:47 p.m. -- SFB cranks the jams. The jam? Theme song from �Deliverance.�

8:28 p.m. -- SFB asks our group if we�d like him to stop for beer. SFB asks us not to tell, he�s not supposed to do this! Shhhh.

8:33 p.m. -- Beer! But wait, SFB is driving the wrong way down a one way street! WTF?! (Quick aside: once I was riding with a friend of mine who turned the wrong way up a one way street. A passerby yelled to my friend, �You�re going the wrong way!� To which my friend replied, �How do you know where I�m going?�)

8:57 p.m. -- arrive in town of Metropolis. SFB asks if we�d like to see the giant Superman statue in the town square (Metropolis, Superman, geddit?). Majority rules and we�re off.

8:57:17 p.m. -- SFB informs us of teensiest problem. SFB does not know where town square is.

8:59 p.m. -- locate square. Locate large chunk of plaster with some swirly black hair calling itself Superman. Eight minutes, one picture of "Superman" draped with 9 drunks (top THAT, Spidey!) later we�re moving again.

9:08:49 p.m. -- SFB tells us boat never leaves on time! Peshah! Don�t worry! Oh, and by the way, he�s filling in for a driver who got sick, had to leave a couple of hours earlier and it�s his first day on the job and he doesn�t really know EXACTLY where boat dock is. Perhaps, SFB, we could head toward, say, the river?

9:16 p.m. -- we miss the boat. Literally.

Having gone this far with this farce, we decide to exchange our tickets for the 12:00 a.m. cruise.

12:00 a.m. -- we board, we cruise, I loose $20,000.

3:00 a.m. -- pile back on shuttle, SFB is our driver once again. Lo, Karma you (in this case) are a lovely, lovely lady. Have you met her? I�m sure you have. Karma came a calling on SFB as fellow drunk got sick on him. All over. Chaos ensued. The law was called. This is where my story ends.

But, oh, how we laughed and laughed.

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� Purplecigar

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