Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 12:56 P.M.

If you read my last post you know that it was about my receipt of wacky, nonsensical email (if you didn�t read it, go now! It contained an offer for a free car. Don�t Delay! Go Today!).

Today�s post will also be about email, but the scary kind. Not I�m-Stalking-You scary (imagine that being scary! Man. Some people). Not Incoming-Email-From-Your-Boss scary (although that? Scarier than any stalker). But Blankety blank-Will-Give-You-Cancer/MS/Oily Snot kind of scary. Y'all worry is my middle name. And for someone who is so prone to worry, these emails are extremely troublesome.

I have received several emails warning me of two things that �cause� breast cancer. Antiperspirant being one. Dioxin Carcinogens (huh?) being the other. The theory behind the Antiperspirant is that it keeps you from perspiring and therefore from getting rid of cancer causing toxins in your body. Dioxin Carcinogens are found in plastic containers. Apparently when you heat food in plastic containers you are allowing these carcinogens to seep into the food you eat, thereby putting you at increased risk.

Here�s a sad little fact about me. My mother and her mother both died from breast cancer. So, you know, I don't appreciate John Q. Public trifling with my emotions as regards this particular subject. You can see why these emails would jar me so, can't you?

Maybe they are true. Maybe not. Maybe they are urban legends a la--Man with ax in your backseat! Keep this email chain going and Microsoft will send you $50! Special solution added to pools will detect presence of urine. You only use 10% of your brain. Never mind, this one is clearly applicable to some people.

But, you know what? They aren�t keeping me up at night. Presence of roaches in a kitchen. THAT would keep me up at night. Presence of roaches in MY kitchen however would cause me not only never to sleep again but to while the night away standing in my kitchen with a large shoe, constantly flipping the light on and off. In sniper position. Most probably wearing a HAZMAT suit (those things are nasty yo).

There isn�t a day that goes by that I don�t think about breast cancer. Not one day passes where I don�t equate a tiny pain with, �Oooh, that�s the start. Here it comes. It�s all downhill from here.� I�m probably predestined already to die of breast cancer. Hey! It�s funny but I think I�ve just embraced that thought. Right here. With you people. Don�t you all feel special? Let's hug. (Did I mention I�m a worry wart and a touch melodramatic?)

Anyhow, so, what? I�m supposed to smell bad and not eat food heated in plastic till I pass? Who really knows what causes breast cancer. Doesn�t it strike you as odd that scientists from all over the world have been researching breast cancer for years and years and years and as far as I know, no techie has gone on Oprah to declare an antiperspirant/plastsics ban.

These emails just serve to ramp up my anxiety level. I�m pretty much a bundle of raw nerves and feelings anyway. Obviously I will need a Diet Cherry Coke and Wow! Doritos to relax and soothe me.

Wait a second. Say what? Studies on Aspartame show it does what to you? Olean makes you what ?

Well hell.

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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