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Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 12:47 P.M.

Every year I get pharyngitis. Without fail. Webmd.com defines pharyngitis (or, Strep Throat) thusly:

�Strep throat is an infection of the tissues in the back of the throat (pharynx) and/or the tonsils or adenoids. The tissues become irritated and inflamed, causing a sudden, severe sore throat that may also be referred to as acute pharyngitis. There are many different strains of strep bacteria, some of which cause more serious illness than others. A strep throat infection is not as common as a sore throat caused by a virus.�

Good thing you stuck with me through all that gobbledy-gook �cause, man have I got a story for you.

I don�t have a primary care doctor. I go to the Doc-In-A-Box. I mean, they�re doctors just the same as doctors in private practice. They� well, that�s about the only positive I can come up with. Let�s carry on, shall we?

When my old buddy pharyngitis comes callin� I beat it on over to the clinic. Not only have I gone to the same clinic every year, I had the same doctor for 6 years straight. The streak ended in 2002 for reasons that will become clear to you momentarily. This is how I imagine my chart at the clinic reads:

November 1996--Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: Poor girl. Must feel awful! Prescribed antibiotics.

May 1997-- Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: Was in last year with same symptoms. Prescribed antibiotics.

October 1998-- Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: Wow! Three years running! Prescribed antibiotics.

December 1999-- Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: If patient returns and is diagnosed with Pharyngitis in 2000, must ask patient if she would be willing to participate in medical study titled �Are You Medically Unlucky?� She is shoo-in. Prescribed antibiotics.

August 2000-- Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: Asked patient about medical study. Patient did not see humor in such; threatened to shove tongue depressor up my nose. Didn�t take it personally as she had fever of 104�. Hopefully was fever talking. However, if patient returns again with same diagnosis, must have serious chat with patient. Prescribed antibiotics.

October 2001--Diagnosis: Pharyngitis. NOTE TO FILE: Damn! Had serious discussion with patient regarding Pharyngitis and it�s causes. Believe patient will most likely not return to this clinic. Left without prescription for antibiotics. NOTE TO NURSE: Remind me to call my insurance agent to check that malpractice insurance up to date. FURTHER NOTE TO NURSE: And attorney. Re: possible impending sexual harassment suit. FURTHER NOTE TO NURSE: Don�t ask any questions. FURTHER NOTE TO NURSE: You look hot today, baby. You fill out that uniform real good. Smokin�!

Well, well, well. Here�s where the story needs some �splaining. After the doctor told me I once again had pharyngitis, I posed the following question, �Where is the pharynx and how does it get infected?� Don�t ask me why I had never asked the question before. I don�t know. Stupid would be my best guess.

The Doctor told me the pharynx was located in the throat and blah-de-blah-not-important-cakes. Then the following conversation occurred (and, as much as you�ll want to think I am exaggerating, I am not)�

Doctor--You can get it several ways. For instance, you can get it by smoking menthol cigarettes. Do you smoke?

Me--(At the time)�Yes, unfortunately. But not menthols. Nasty.

Doctor--Well, you can also get it from drinking infected water.

Me--Infected with what?!

Doctor--Certain bacteria.

Me--It hardly seems possible that after having had this crap for 6 straight years now, it would be from drinking water all those times. Right?

Doctor--Probably not. You can also get it from uh, um, you know�

Me--What?

Doctor--Well, you know�ahem, hmm, uh, do you, um, do you, you know�?

Me--Spit it the holy hell out! (Ok, not really.)

Really�

Me--Do I what?

Doctor--Do you give oral sex? And if so, uh, do you spit?

Me--Oh My GOD. What the hell? Are you serious? You did not just ask me that!

It was at this point I quickly gathered my purse got out of that room, flew past the receptionist, not even stopping to pay the co-pay.

Now, I have never been able to find anything that substantiated his claim that any of those three things would cause pharyngitis. Thus, I suspect he was making that shit up. Perhaps he had some bizarre fantasy of getting blown by a woman who would afterward have a glass of water and a menthol cigarette. I�m surprised he didn�t say it could also be contracted by wearing a French maid outfit and nipple clamps.

Quack.

6 comments so far

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� Purplecigar

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