Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 - 3:50 P.M.

Currently I am shopping around for the best deal on health insurance for my company. This is to be a fruitless endeavor. Oh, it may well bear fruit in that we�ll get new insurance, but it surely will be fruitless in that not everyone will be happy about the choice. Are they ever? Can you ever make everyone happy all of the time? You can�t! Some people will bemoan the higher co-pay, while the employers will love the lower premium. Still others will dislike the new deductions while some will love the drug benefits. It�s a thankless job and, lucky me, it�s all mine.

This task has fallen to me as I am the Office Manager. It is certainly well within my job description. As are the other details I take care of such as payroll and accounting and upkeep of the office machinery. Ah, but what of the tasks that aren�t exactly covered by even the broadest description of the position of Office Manager?

I have thought up a new title that befits my actual position here at the company. Is it Office Administrator? No. Executive Assistant To The President? No. Legal Administrator? No. No people, my new title and most apt description of my job can be summed up in two words. To wit: �Company Bitch.�

I do not mean Company Bitch as in �person who is ill-mannered and often of bad temper.� I mean Company Bitch as in �go tell Purple.� No matter the problem. Let�s just say that there�s a shortage of Equal for your coffee, who do you call? Me. No toilet paper in the bathroom? Light bulbs need replacing? Toilet is stopped up with someone else's shit? No candy in the front lobby? Water cooler clogged�with GUM? Computer trouble? Homeless person living in car in front of the building? Dilapidated van permanently parked in the parking lot? Rats in the cellar? Cats roaming the parking lot? Noisy and/or possibly homicidal neighbors? Vandals bogarting the Christmas wreath? Birds in the attic and/or wall? All me. So let it be known, I may have a surly attitude, but personally? I think it�s well deserved.

I�d guess you might be thinking that though I put up with all of this, I must get some perk, some fringe benefit. Ergo why I�m still here. You would be wrong, dear friends. There is no fringe benefit. Well, I do get to wear shorts, tank tops and flip-flops to work. �Course, wearing shorts and flip-flops while you�re unclogging a toilet is little consolation. Though that sort of outfit certainly lends itself to less mess in the event of overflow.

I�m still here for one very simple and incredibly stupid reason. I�m too lazy to look for something else. I am not without skills (or even skillz). I am marketable. I am creative and efficient. Organized and bright. A quick learner and self-starter. Except when it comes to searching for another job.

So, I�ll just stay stuck here in my own little macabre fantoccini until I can rouse myself to cut the strings. But, don�t feel badly for me. I�ve got vans to tow, rats to poison and homeless people to run off. My day is indeed full! My cup doth run over. Like my toilets.

Thank God I have a sense of humor.

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
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I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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