Wednesday, Jun. 16, 2004 - 11:56 A.M.

What if there were different cars designed for men and women? It would be an absolute must that the car for women be designed by women and the car for men be designed by men. I don�t think men should design things for women or vice versa. I think it just makes good sense. And, on a tenuously related issue -- we need an influx of female architects stat. Men should not be tasked with designing ladies restrooms ever again.

I picture the car for women with a hood ornament of a discreet nature. Whatever it is, it would most likely be on the smallish side. Conversely, the men�s car would have a penis for a hood ornament and I�m betting it would not be on the smallish side. Which brings up something I�ve always wondered: why do condom makers bother with making the size small condoms? Is there a man out there that would walk into a drug store and willingly purchase the small condoms? Without some sort of pistol to his head?

The women�s car would come equipped with a full compliment of make-up in the armrest. No sense bringing your own from the house! No fuss no muss--it�s in the door! Alternately, the men�s car would come equipped with a pair of fake boobs (ginormous, of course) on the steering wheel. C�mon ladies, haven�t you ever wished they were detachable? You can bet he has.

No cigarette lighter would be contained in the women�s car, just lots of outlets for �personal massagers.� I suppose you could plug hair dryers and curling irons in as well, but really, why would you want to? Waste not, want not. On the other hand, the men�s car would contain a television (ginormous, of course) with only sports and porn available. Hmm, on second thought, maybe I�ll add the porn as an option for us gals. I think we can all get on board with that plan. Gender equality and all.

A CD of pre-recorded phrases on constant loop (i.e., �It�s okay to leave the dishes in the sink overnight,� �Yes! Those jeans look fab on you!�) would be standard in the women�s car. Men would have this feature as well, but their CD would no doubt consist of the following phrases: �My penis is huge,� �Chicks dig me,� and �I am not losing my hair.�

I think this is a good start toward cars both sexes can enjoy. And, you know, if you happened to slip into your man�s car every now and then, no big deal. Who doesn�t enjoy the feel of a good boob now and then? But if he slips into yours, you better be sure the �personal massager� is not bigger than him. You know how sensitive men can be about size.

Except, of course, when they willingly purchase the small condoms.

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Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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