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Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004 - 3:52 P.M.

Having a kidney stone sucks the ass out of a diarrhetic baboon. That�s quite the visual image isn�t it? Well it was meant to be because it hurt me like Johnny Depp moving to France. This was my first experience with a kidney stone and I surely hope it will prove to be my last.

I spent Monday morning in an Emergency Room and among other things like, �why is there absolutely no one else in this ER?� and, �seriously, there are no other patients� it made me wonder, --�why is it so cold in hospitals?� Apparently they�re laboring under the theory that you will forget your pain if you�re freezing your schmoopies off � �You know the fact that it�s 20� colder than a grave digger�s ass in here sure has taken my mind off the fact that I feel like my kidney is going to burst out of my back in a scene straight out of Aliens. Kudos thermostat people. Keep it up. No, no, don�t be silly. Keep your Demerol. Bring me a blanket.�

In my body this thing felt as big as Stone Mountain but as it turns out was more like Pebble Beach. Though it was very tiny the tube it was traveling down was even tinier thus, the pain. I had a urologist tell me that many women make the statement that given the choice of childbirth or kidney stone pain, they�d take childbirth pain any day and twice on Sunday. I�m solidly in that camp, dude. Hella painful. In researching this disorder I ran across a web site that stated, �Small stones can cause some discomfort as they pass out of the body.� That, my friends, is the understatement of the century. It�s like saying, �Michael Jackson has had a little plastic surgery.�

The urologist also tells me that the stone can be analyzed to see what it�s comprised of and consequently what you should eat or not eat or whatnot to stop them from reoccurring. First of all, I�d drink battery acid if they told me by doing so I�d never get another kidney stone. Second of all, I�m sure they�ll tell me I need to stop eating something I love like soup or - gasp!- Cheetos. Lastly, I got some kick ass pain medication out of it. Of course, I snarfed it up all like candy. Precious, white, numbered, regulated-by-the-government candy.

If any of you have any advice on what I should do to avoid the kidney stones of the future, please do let me know. I�ll do anything. Well, almost anything.

It�s not like I�d dance naked to Wang Chung while holding a Volkswagen in my hand and reciting Edgar Allan Poe. What? Didn�t I tell you about that dream?

Ah, well. Another time then.

9 comments so far

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� Purplecigar

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