Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 - 2:32 P.M.

Greeting cards. Man, there are some choices out there now, aren�t there? As little as 10 years ago, you pretty much just had your standard happy birthday to immediate family, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and grandfather along with graduation, wedding and sympathy fare. Now though. NOW you have lots to choose from. A card for �Cinco de Mayo�? Yes, they have that. A �Congratulations On Your New Job� card? Yep. A �Back To School� card? Yes (and don�t you just know that card is a hit with the kids). A card for your �Adoptive Parent�? Sure. A card for your �Birth Mother�? Of course. A card for your �Donor Dad�? Yes, sir. A card for your friend�s dog who just got neutered? Uh huh. A card for your Step-Aunt�s Cousin�s Bar Mitzvah? Yes, it�s true. Would I lie to you?

Many years ago I enrolled in a creative writing class. One of our assignments was to do greeting cards you had never seen. They were supposed to be funny and nothing (as you will see) was off-limits. They were also to be complete with illustrations. I found my attempts this weekend and, frankly, I�m confused as to why the greeting card companies weren�t beating my door down. I�ll spare you the drawings though. I am not an artist. Stick figures with ginormous heads should be left to the likes of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Let�s:

My Darling Dearest,
I love you more with every breath I take
On your birthday a cake for you I will bake
My boobs are real, they are not fake
I�ll make you a smoothie or perhaps a shake
You are my life and my entire being
A day with you is precious and freeing
However, a divorce lawyer I�ll soon be seeing
If you don�t stop hitting the bathroom floor while your peeing

or

I hear you�re in the hospital
Sick and under the weather
I hope this card finds you
Well and soon feeling better
With regards to the reason
You find yourself there, however
It was incredibly stupid of you
To get your hair so close to the shredder

or

Total honesty, is that what you want?
We broke up because your breath really, really stunk
I could not take anymore such a noxious, green-vapor cloud
You would do well to gargle with acid and cover your head with a shroud
And, as your teeth and gums surely do need a breather,
Perhaps you should consider chopping off your tongue with a cleaver
Yes, it�s that bad and, lo, do I feel sorry for your next beau
�Cause it�s rank and vile and I had to give you the old heave-ho. Ho.

I mean, can you believe no one called?

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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