Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004 - 3:09 P.M.

Here at my office, we don�t have stalls in our bathrooms. Rather we have one toilet, one sink, one door. As such is the case we don�t necessarily have the problems that would present themselves in a larger company replete with multi-stalls and urinal walls. However, the place where there are multi-stalls and urinal walls and where is needed a little reminder of decorum I�d like to call a �restroom refresher resolve?� Movie theatres and restaurants. I have no doubt that, for some of you, this will not be a �refresher� course so much as a �you�re a dirty little bird and you�ve never heard of these things which, frankly, are things any normal, decent, non-commune living, non-raised-by-wolves human being would know� course.

People, listen to me. Hear my plea. I fully realize the joy that comes from not having to clean up after oneself at a location that does not belong to you. One which you have no accountability for. A mess you can leave behind and no one will be the wiser that you were responsible for is a glorious thing indeed. Despite that, and in the interest of public health, there comes a time for culpability, however small. I mean, do you think I enjoy cleaning my toilets at home? I live with three men for God�s sake. And they don�t aim that well. Most times I try to get them to go pee off the front porch. We live in the country after all, and frankly, what boy doesn�t like trying to hit the leaves of a small bush or a stray cat with a line of pee? Not the boys I live with, I�ll tell you that much.

When I go into a stall at the movie theatre or a restaurant or pretty much any public place, I have a routine [wash hands; tear off first five or so squares of toilet paper, throw in trash; place toilet paper/toilet seat cover over seat; wash hands; do business; clean up after business; wash hands; fix clothing (yes, in that order - you don�t think I�d touch my clothing after my hands have been on the business end of my business, do you?); tear off few squares of toilet paper, use such to remove and throw toilet paper on seat/toilet seat cover away; prepare paper towels; wash hands; use paper towels to open door; throw dirty paper towels in trash can in manner of NBA player, er, a bad NBA player]. Anal much? Maybe so, but I won�t be getting dysentery either. Or syphilis, which my mother told me I could get from dirty bathrooms. Hey, it was the �70s, what can I say?

Now, this routine is thrown off kilter when I go into the women�s restroom at a public place to find the toilet seat up. I�m not one of those women who�s all �for the love of all that is holy put the seat down or I�ll bash your head in with my plethora of Bath and Body products.� Really, I�m not. But when I go into the women�s restroom and the seat is up, I get more than a little curious. Why is the seat up? Are there women who pee standing up? If so, how is that possible? Must they stand over the toilet rather than in front of it? Can you stand in front of it? Was there a transvestite or cross-dresser in the stall before me?

Attention should also be paid to the lack of ventilation systems in multi-stall bathrooms. This is truly something Congress needs to look into. I�m speaking specifically of the vents you can turn on and off with a switch. I wouldn�t know about urinal wall environments, I presume they don�t have them either. Why is that? Vents are available in one toilet/one person bathrooms but not in multi-stall scenarios? Isn�t that where they�re needed most? We put a man on the moon and have a whole slew of technology at our disposal. Surely that can be figured out and corrected. Of course, having the capability to flip that switch and not do so would be to have a case of �my shit don�t stink� syndrome. To you delusional individuals I say: Trust me, it does. Flip.The.Switch.

Also, this business of not flushing the toilet? That�s got to stop. Pick up your little foot, step on the protuberance thingy on the toilet and leave. Simple. They�ve actually had to invent self-flushing toilets because some of you don�t do that. I�m saying, what could be easier than flushing a toilet? Paris Hilton doesn�t count.

In addition, you people in the stall next to me happily tapping your feet or humming or whistling or any manner of other inappropriate signs of happiness (including, unbelievably, singing) while you�re in a public restroom are downright weird. Just freakish, really. You�re probably the same people who joyfully jaunt off to the dentist or look favorably upon having an organ removed. This boisterous behavior is very uncomfortable for those of us who would really like to get the experience over with and move on with our day. If you�re stuck beside happy toe tapper/hummer/whistler/singer, you ought to be able to lie in wait and beat them with a nearby toilet brush with no repercussions whatsoever.

Finally, if during the course of doing your business, some of your business drips onto the seat, please be a sweetie and wipe that business up. Common. Courtesy. I don�t want to have my toilet paper/seat cover dampened with your piddle. Moreover, if I were to hurriedly place my fanny on the seat on a need-to-go basis thereby forgoing the semi-protective covering of toilet paper/seat cover and actually sit in your piddle?

Well, I think you can see how I�d have to just go fucking crazy.

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

�

�

previous - next