Thursday, Jan. 06, 2005 - 4:18 P.M.

There is a prison in Pennsylvania that I am dying to visit. Eastern State Penitentiary opened in 1829 and, according to their website, �became the most expensive American building of its day and soon, the most famous prison in the world.� ASIDE: In 1787, an attendee at a meeting held at the home of Benjamin Franklin (yes, that Ben Franklin), proposed the following: ��to build a true penitentiary, a prison designed to create genuine regret and penitence in the criminal's heart.� Well, imagine that. A prison that is an actual prison! Not a day camp that I, the taxpayer, am paying for. Capabilities available so that one may pump iron? No. Three square meals a day? No, sir. Time outside in the sunny sunshine? Hell no. Television? No. Cable? Are you kidding me? I am a hard ass. Folks in prison should be glad I am not in charge of the incarceration system in this country. Water, bread, a flimsy mattress and a worn blanket. No time outside of your cell and no television. That�s what you�d get at Chez Purple. You'd be lucky to get that and, you�d like it.

I was introduced to Eastern State Penitentiary through a documentary on A&E or maybe it was The History Channel. Whatever the means of introduction, I am happy to have made its acquaintance. I lurve prison documentaries. A documentary on a women�s prison is practically nirvana for me. I love old out of date and, let me stress, not currently in use prisons. The prime example is inarguably Alcatraz. I would die happy if I could just tour the grounds of Alcatraz. However, being that I am in Tennessee and am terrified of flying (well, more of crashing, really), I�ll probably get to Eastern State sooner. Pennsylvania being more accessible via car and all. ADDITIONAL ASIDE: Please go here and find out your �prison bitch� name. Please let me know what it is. Here, I�ll go first--when using my real name, I am Mayonnaise Queen and when using Purplecigar, I am Butt Blaster. Both bring about some disturbing imagery. Both are funny as hell.

Not only do I love the prison documentaries, I also immensely enjoy shows which explore the wreckage of sunken ships (even better, trying to solve the mystery of how they sank), documentaries on plane crashes and determination of the cause of such crash. I like shows with hosts who travel to out of the way places in exotic countries and explore the culture. I love the Antique�s Road Show. I like City Confidential, Deep Sea Detectives and a good bit of porn. What? Don�t judge me.

A perfect night would consist of lying on the couch, never having to change the channel while a constant stream of these shows played in front of me. If I could have a hot houseboy who would fetch me a drink and some dinner, all the better.

Now, if I could just get Johnny Depp to star in a porn flick as the former warden of a now defunct prison who fancies deep sea diving in his spare time and giving guided tours of a remote villages, explaining antiques he finds along the way while he wears a carpenter�s belt and stops sporadically to fix up a villager�s hut, and maybe solve a murder or two here and there? Well, that would just be fantastic. And he�d probably do it too; you know the weird shit he does.

Somebody get me Fox�s number. This is right up their alley.

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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