Tuesday, Apr. 05, 2005 - 4:19 P.M.

This past weekend my life turned into a sitcom. All that was needed was a wacky neighbor and a misunderstanding with a school principal and I could�ve been in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond: The Very Special Pants Debacle Episode.

So I was wearing some jeans; my very favorite jeans to be exact. These jeans were not tight on my body (�cause, despite some of you gals still clinging to it, this isn�t 1985 anymore) and they were neither old nor ripped in any way. I had just sat down in my car when I realized something felt a little off. I reach around to the back of my pants and feel�my butt. Not clothed in any denim material. Or any material at all for that matter. I was going commando on this day and though that might be a little too much information, it�s pertinent to this story. If it wasn�t trust me, I wouldn�t have told you. I�m definitely not the kind of girl that goes around telling people she�s not wearing any und�actually, you know what? Apparently I am. Read on.

Thankfully we happened to be right next door to a Target. I asked my husband to please go inside and grab me some jeans. Which, to you, may seem like no big deal but is humongous really. I honestly don�t know what I was thinking. See, if I need feminine products of any kind, medication intended for female use only or any sort of birth control product, he�s the man. He has no problem picking up these items. However, I�d be better off with a blind monkey picking out clothing I actually plan to wear out in public. In front of actual people.

�Are you sure you want me to get your jeans? Can�t you just wrap that thing around your waist?� he asked. The �thing� he�s speaking of is a shrug. Shrugs are not big. Shrugs are not meant to be tied around one�s waist. Shrugs are to jackets what short-shorts are to pants. Nonetheless I tie the shrug around my butt not my waist and beat it on in to Target. With my husband walking baby duckling style right behind me due to the fact that, as I said, the shrug is tiny and as I walk it slips from it�s original position around my butt to somewhere around my thighs. Of course it does!

I find the first pair of jeans in my size and head to the checkout when my husband suddenly reaches around me and grabs them. Naturally I�m all, �what are you doing?� and he�s all, �I�m excited (if you know what I mean), this is really hot.� So I�m like, �my ass hanging out of my pants is hot?� and he�s like, �duh� and I�m saying, �you�ve got to be kidding me.�

Let me give you a clear picture�I�m standing in jeans that have no ass, a tiny shrug is wrapped around my butt doing it�s best to cover my parts and my husband has a hard on and is grinning like he just won the lottery. So naturally the lady at the checkout counter wants to talk. �It�s a super nice day, huh? I mean, I know it�s raining but I love the rain. My son and I go outside and stomp in the pudd��

�Could you just hurry this up?!�

Clearly she�s not pleased with my tone and there�s no reason she should have been. I was very rude. In an effort to explain my outburst I say, �Listen, my pants have exploded. This thing I have around my waist is just barely covering me and it�s riding up when I walk and I�m not wearing any underwear. I�m sorry.�

I stopped short of saying, �And, Randy McHornalot back here is about to jump me at any moment and surely that is not something that a family friendly store like Target wants the kiddies to see.�

I guess what it boils down to is this�if my ass is going to be showing to one and all, I�d like to pick the time and place of its debut. Ya know?

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

� Purplecigar

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