Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2005 - 3:28 P.M.

I used to order the office supplies. I don�t anymore. I delegated this task to another person due to the fact that this job was cutting into my day. By this I mean, it was actual work, to which I have an aversion, if not all-out allergy, and, you know, I couldn�t be bothered. At any rate this person has since become known as the �Notebook Nazi.� Other names include the �Pen Patrol� the �Glue Guard� the �Restroom Product Regulator� and the �Mouse Pad Monitor.�

I think we can all agree that nothing in life comes close to matching the joy you feel when ordering some crazy Post-It Cube complete with curb feelers or a pack of wacky velvet-covered pens that (1) you don�t really need at all and (2) have absolutely no practical use whatsoever, but hey! the company is paying for them, so whatevs.

The person who is now in charge of ordering? Has robbed everyone of this delight. This person? Has now become public enemy number one because no one can blithely order the glass stapler or electronic lotion applicator without being questioned as to such products' functional purpose.

And, it�s not as if one could say, �What functional purpose? I just thought it�d be cool to have a 6-hole punch and a digital paperclip dispenser on my desk! It�s my right as a citizen to waste money on office supplies and, as God is my witness, I�ll have that three-ring binder with built-in mp3 player! So if you�d be so kind as to place the order I�ll be at my desk eagerly anticipating my can of compressed air/blow dryer. Thanks.�

Well, I mean, one could say that. But one would have to deal with dusting off file labels from six years ago, scrounging for pens in the manner of a squirrel foraging for a nut and looking behind the copier for unmangled paperclips, because no new office products would be making their way to you, my friend.

Someone is clearly drunk on the power of purchasing.

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� Purplecigar

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