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Friday, Feb. 17, 2006 - 3:15 P.M.

Dear Olympic National Committee:

I love the Olympics. I love them so much that I forsake programs I would normally never miss [e.g., Lost, American Idol (and these are even the crappy, snarktastic Hollywood episodes to boot!), 24]. I do DVR them to watch at a later date. Letís not get crazy, after all.

You wonít find anyone who more eagerly anticipates both the summer and winter games with such fervor and glee than me. Every two years I am rabid with expectation -- the stories that will develop! the underdog who rises up to beat the big dog! the hardship over comer who lives in a small wooden shack in Kazakhstan with only a goat and two chickens for warmth who now finds himself on the worldís biggest stage! the scandals! the mayhem! the pageantry! Ah, yes, all very good things indeed.

However, with every Olympics comes the one thing I genuinely dislike about them. That set of folks who get all the press, the two or three people who are seemingly on a team for their respective country by themselves. Sometimes they do live up to the hype (Dan Jansen). More often, they crash and burn (Gail Devers). This time around, Iím speaking particularly of Bode Miller, Michelle Kwan and Apolo Anton Ohno. Now, I know itís not Michelleís fault you all act as if God himself is disappointed Michelle wonít be on board this time around, nor is it Bodeís doing that you all have made him into the second coming of Suzy Chapstick, but you guys need to give it a rest already.

Remember way back in Barcelona, summer of 1992, when you did the big ad campaign for Dan (O'Brien) vs. Dave (Johnson) before the Olympics even began? No? You know why? Because they blew. Dan didnít even qualify for the Olympics, for Peteís sake. Or, uh, Danís.

Letís just try and put the focus back where it squarely belongs, okay? In the summer Olympics itís hot men, soaking wet in teeny tiny swim suits, doing the butterfly and in the winter Olympics itís hot men in super tight, body hugging spandex flying down a hill at 75 m.p.h.

Is that too much to ask?

P.S. Dear Johnny Weir: Iím sorry, did you say you were ďAmericaís next great hopeĒ or ďAmericaís next great dopeĒ?

P.P.S. Apropos of nothing, when you flush a toilet in Australia does the water in the toilet spin counterclockwise? Great Britain?

P.P.P.S According to the most obvious headline Iíve seen in a while, Yahoo! news is currently reporting that ďmen may exaggerate the number of sex partners theyíve had.Ē Get OUT!

5 comments so far

You Give Me Fervor - Friday, Feb. 17, 2006
Revamped Sex Camp - Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006
I'm Not Dead - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006
Ebert And Roeper? Watch Your Backs. - Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
Coffee? Tea? Map? - Monday, Nov. 07, 2005

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