Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 4:36 P.M.

This morning during the simple process of pulling out of my street onto a much busier street I incurred some seriously misdirected wrath. I looked left and right and left and right again, I saw a car approaching but had plenty of time to pull onto the street. This car, which appeared to be the result of a condomless, drunken one night stand between a YUGO and a four-wheeler, was more than a safe distance away and yet when I pulled out the driver immediately sped up, got right on my tail and started honking away. If I were able to have a conversation with this person I would have said to him, �If you have to speed up to get on my tail then obviously I didn�t do anything wrong and you, sir, are just a dick. Why don�t you take your Speck TNY with it�s 3 hissing cockroaches under the hood and do a Thelma & Louise off the nearest cliff. Jerk.�

My adversary�s horn had a tinny, high-pitched sound. It�s kind of hard to take a horn seriously when it sounds like air being let out of a balloon, isn�t it? My horn has the same sound which is why I choose my trusty middle finger and some creatively strung together verbs to convey my unhappiness.

In cases like this I would appreciate some ready made signage to quickly whip out. In fact, I think pre-made signs should come standard with every car. Perhaps you could hit a series of buttons on your steering wheel and, from your rear bumper, out would pop the sign. In my situation this morning, I would have been hard pressed to choose between �Eat It, Asswipe� and �Suck dirt, Shithead.� I feel both would have been most appropriate. (Incidentally, spell check wanted to change �Shithead� to �Hothead,� which technically would work, but lessens the harshness I so want to convey.) I think, though, that my sign idea would go a long way toward curbing road rage. Either that or homicide rates would skyrocket.

Moreover, I think every car should come equipped with a cell phone solely for the purpose of driver-to-driver contact. License plate numbers would double as phone numbers for said cell. Then, when someone pissed you off, you could just dial them right up and tell them to go right to hell. Assuming they would answer. Which, come to think of it, they probably wouldn�t. I mean they�d know why you were calling. I fear that could be a flaw in my plan.

Maybe I�ll mull it over a bit more before I complete my Nobel Peace Prize application.

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� Purplecigar

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