Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 12:33 P.M.

I work in a field that people would kill to work in. A field that many see as glamorous but those of us employed in it see as torturous. Due to this misguided perception of the industry there is never a shortage of prospective employees and interns clamoring to get a foot in the door.

I will have to soon begin the process of interviewing and weeding out interns. We currently have two interns, both boys, who will be returning to college shortly. Whomever we choose to intern with us will have large shoes to fill. Our current interns are smart and cute and willing to do anything you ask of them. And I�m not just talking about the sexual favors either. They have other skills as well. Like, personal shopping and the picking up of dry cleaning. All secondary to the sexual favors though. Let�s keep our eye on the ball here.

Anyhoo, it�s a difficult process this business of selecting interns. You see, there are certain issues that come in to play. Employees certainly don�t want an intern who is too eager. Too much, �ooh, I�ve come up with a new filing system!� will get you shown to the door. And quickly. We don�t want to update our processes thankyouverymuch. And, we�d just as soon you not worry your pretty little head about the state of our files.

Also, employees won�t stand for an intern who arrives early and stays late. Oh sure, you may be thinking that interns who come early and stay late might alleviate the burden on actual employees to do so. Let the interns stay and do whatever needs to be done! No. That�s a ludicrous idea. What actually happens is the boss says, �Hey listen employee #1. It�s uh, 5:30 and I know you�re heading out the door. But, did you know that intern #3 is staying late. She must really want a job later! What a go-getter. I�m extremely impressed with her. And, did you know she�s majoring in accounting? Just like you, huh! Ah well, don�t let me keep you.� See what happens there? Passive aggressive threats. It�s a standard maneuver and one the employees use on the interns all the time (�What? You can�t go get lunch? Fine, but you know, intern #2 has offered to get it every day. I didn�t want him to get all the glory. That�s cool though. You stick to postage. Everyone knows that�s where. it�s. at.�) , but when it�s turned and used on us, the employees? Well, needless to say, we don�t care for it.

Employees don�t want someone who is (a) smarter than they are, (b) a charmer or (c) a perfectionist. I don�t believe those warrant any further explanation. They�re all perfectly understandable.

It comes down to this--what we have here is the need for a few slow and slothful, non-enterprising, not too bright, mistake-prone bitter individuals. Which I think explains why I have a job. Yes, those are truly mad skillz to possess. Seeing it on paper puts it all into perspective. I might even ask for a raise.

I�m really quite proud of me.

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� Purplecigar

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